LIST #5. Actresses.

Not a lot to say here really. Five of my favourite songs dealing (one way or another) with five actresses. If this is your first time, with any of these great women or songs, I envy you.

#5. Peter Murphy – “Marlene Dietrich’s Favourite Poem”

Despicably, have only watched Orson Welles' Touch Of Evil. This is monumental from Murphy.

#4. Eels – “Grace Kelly Blues”

First saw her in Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. Eels? The song has virtually nothing to do with Grace Kelly but so what.

#3. The Go-Betweens – “Lee Remick”

Loved her in Blake Edwards’ Days Of Wine And Roses. “She comes from Ireland, she’s very beautiful – I come from Brisbane, and I’m quite plain”. Classic!

#2. Nick Lowe – “Marie Provost”

Oh that poor poor Marie Provost… As for Nick Lowe’s tune, pop music doesn’t get any better than this. “She was a winner who became the doggie’s dinner”. Hopefully, that’s not entirely correct.

#1. Ashtray Boy – “Shirley MacLaine”

The Apartment. Speaking of Ashtray Boy, they just shouldn’t be this obscure. They are/were among Australia’s finest. Randall Lee’s lyrics never fail to fascinate me. And the melody is inspirational.

LIST #4. Paris.

One of the best advice you are ever going to get was once given by Christopher Hitchens: “Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity”. So whenever someone tells you, to your face or otherwise, that Paris is overrated or some such nonsense – don’t let them get away with it. Step right in. Because whatever Paris is, and Paris is many things, it is not overrated. It is like the best cognac: will do the trick no matter what.

Five best songs about Paris. Or maybe not about Paris. However, the word ‘Paris’ is vital.

#5. 10cc – “Une Nuit A Paris”

This is totally preposterous and absolutely fantastic. “Une Nuit A Paris” is a quirky mini-opera from 10cc’s third album. Cabaret, music hall, horrid French accents, what’s not to like? “One night in Paris is like a year in any other place…”.

#4. Morrissey – “Throwing My Arms Around Paris”

Let’s get this out of the way: Morrissey is major talent and a wanker. And now that all areas are covered, why not enjoy this perfectly nice single from Years Of Refusal. You know, Years Of Refusal. Side A: great. Side B: ... .

#3. The Waterboys – “Paris In The Rain”

Majestic from one of the greatest British songwriters. It’s a travesty that this was an unused piano demo from This Is The Sea album. As for Parisian rain… well, it’s good but then it never lasts.

#2. Patrick Wolf – “Paris”

This was the song blasting through my earphones as I entered Paris for the first time. The gruesome grey walls never looked grey. The lyrics, the violin. It’s all in here, in these suffocating, intense, ecstatic 5 minutes. “They are marching out of me, one by one, walking free…”.

#1. John Cale – “Paris 1919”

If anything, this is the best song with the word ‘Paris’ in its title. Maybe the best song ever, I don’t know.

LIST #3. Beatles.

This is it. The important one, the one you have all been waiting for. The list to end all lists. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Five worst Beatles songs.

Disclaimer. No “Mr. Moonlight” or “Act Naturally” or any of their subpar/pointless covers. These are all songs that were actually written by The Beatles. Because if you thought they always got it right, think again.

#5. “What Goes On”

Seems like a cover, sounds like a cover, smells like a cover. Not a cover. And they of course knew what it was worth and gave it to Ringo to sing. Not abysmal or anything, but in the mouthwatering context of Rubber Soul – this is slightly offensive.

#4. “When I Get Home”

From A Hard Day’s Night. Laboured, clichéd and, quite simply, not good enough. Even Lennon’s rip-roaring delivery can’t save it from being a weak Beatles song.

#3. “Don’t Pass Me By”

Oh it’s getting hotter. Written by Ringo Starr, so this shouldn’t come as such a big surprise. Dull, one-dimensional country from the patchy yet fascinating White Album. Those who defend this song are either desperate or deluded. It’s bad.

#2. “One After 909”

Written in the 50’s and not their fault really (after all, Phil Spector was the one responsible for Let It Be), but what the heck. Generic and awfully unnecessary. No thanks.

#1. “Ask Me Why”

Early Beatles. First album. Rudimentary melody. Lyrics… No identity. No charisma. No charm. Yet.

LIST #2. Sex.

Famously, Robyn Hitchcock only writes songs about four things: sex, death, food and insects. Take away insects (or don’t, suit yourself), and you get three most vital things in life. “I believe in sex and death”, says Woody Allen’s character at the end of Sleeper. Since compiling a list of songs about death seems like a very dull prospect, let’s deal with the second most powerful subconscious concept.

Note that these are not just songs about sex. If I had to do that, I’d post this lovely little tune. These songs are more than their lyrics. They are about the feeling, the sound or, in the case of The Go-Betweens, the rhythm.

#5. The Jesus and Mary Chain – “Some Candy Talking”

Currently I prefer the acoustic take from a John Peel session. For the vibe, for the intimate sound. Why these guys had so many songs about oral sex you will never know.

#4. The Go-Betweens – “Karen”

True story. I was once lying on the bed, listening to “Karen” and thinking how in God's name Robert Forster managed to rhyme ‘Joyce’ with ‘choice’ and still make it sound so intelligent. Girl enters the room: “You know what this song is about?” I raise my eyes. “Listen to the pacing”. Then I realise.

Days of innocence. “Karen” is not about sex. “Karen” is sex.

#3. Pulp – “This Is Hardcore”

Obvious choice, but what can you do. If you are looking for the right music, check out Peter Gabriel’s Passion – Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ. But “This Is Hardcore” will do nicely as well. The drama!

#2. Black Box Recorder – “The Art Of Driving”

Sarah Nixey might just have the most sensual voice in the history of pop music. Coupled with the lyrics and the overall feel of understated seduction – this classic song is not for the faint hearted.

 #1. Kate Bush – “Top Of The City”

Seduces my soul. Kids won’t get it. But this is a hair-raising metaphor for orgasm. And, incidentally, one of the greatest songs of all time.

LIST #1. Putdowns.

As Noel Gallagher put it: “You can go around the world and say you respect an artist a thousand times a day in a hundred different magazines and it won’t get printed. Call somebody a cunt once…”. 

These are five greatest musical putdowns.

#5. Bill Drummond – “Julian Cope Is Dead”

Target: ...

Julian Cope is dead, I shot him in the head…

Better than “Bill Drummond Said”. And believe you me, Bill Drummond’s The Man is one of the best albums you know nothing about.

#4. Half Man Half Biscuit – “Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo”

Target: Peter Doherty.

If you’re going to quote from the Book of Revelation, don’t keep calling it the Book of Revelations…

Genius. From Achtung Bono. Quite simply, there was no way Half Man Half Biscuit could not be on this list.

#3. Pavement – “Range Life”

Target: The Smashing Pumpkins.

I don’t understand what they mean, and I couldn't really give a fuck…

This is one of those casual putdowns. The song is not really about The Smashing Pumpkins. 

 

#2. John Lennon – “How Do You Sleep?”

Target: guess who.

The only thing you did was yesterday…

Interestingly, Lennon, Harrison and Starr all had an anti-Macca song. Nothing can touch “How Do You Sleep?” though. And, for the record, better than “Another Day”.

#1. Edwyn Collins – “North Of Heaven”

Target: Guns n’ Roses

Nonentities. 

Another casual putdown… It’s not the only word Edwyn uses in this song, but it has to be the deadliest. God I love him.

Happy New Year!