LIST #10. Songs about not giving a damn.

I’ve just seen the tracklist for Noel Gallagher’s new album. You couldn’t make it up, could you. “While The Song Remains The Same”... Oh Noel. I so don't care.

These are five of my favourite songs on the subject.

#5. Pink Floyd – “Flaming”

Syd Barrett’s whimsical genius. Trippin’ or not, this has to be the most psychedelic song about not giving a damn.

#4. The Beautiful South – “Song For Whoever”

Paul Heaton on top of his songwriting game. The game: insert the name of a girl. The most cynical song about not giving a damn.

#3. John Lennon – “Watching The Wheels”

For me, the only way to listen to Double Fantasy is to treat it as a 7-song mini- album. Well, you know. As for “Watching The Wheels”, it might be the most romantic song about not giving a damn.

#2. A House – “I Don’t Care”

Sometimes you want to overstate the importance of what is forgotten, but I Am The Greatest truly is one hell of a record. And “I Don’t Care” is the most straightforward song about not giving a damn.

#1. Eels – “I Like Birds” 

Daisies Of The Galaxy is and (I believe) will always be Eels’ best album. “I Like Birds” is the best song about not giving a damn.

LIST #9. Doldrums.

I’ve always believed the best state for listening to depressing music is pure, undiluted happiness. That way you look past the vibe and notice that the music is in fact… quite good. Sometimes. Otherwise, you just feel sorry for yourself and start killing animals.

Speaking of which, The Smiths are not on the list. Depression has always been Morrissey’s main selling point, so that would be too much of a cheap shot.

#5. The Pretty Things – “Loneliest Person”

Too often the most depressing songs have the sweetest tunes. Don’t play this one first thing in the morning.

#4. Love – “Always See Your Face”

Contrary to rumours, Arthur Lee kept writing songs after Forever Changes. Don’t play it after a painful breakup.

#3. The Replacements – “Here Comes A Regular”

"Summer's passed, it's too late to cut the grass" is one of the best lines in rock music. Don’t play it when alone and thirty-five and in a bar.

#2. The Flaming Stars – “Night Must Fall”

Fantastic, criminally underrated band. Don’t play it… late at night.

#1. Big Star – “Holocaust” 

This is mentally and physically devastating. Don’t ever play it.

LIST #8. Jesus.

I just have to get this off my chest:

Dear people of YouTube,

I don't give a damn who or what brought you to this song.

I will not 'like' you if you are foolish enough to ask (in fact, I will not 'like' you in any case).

I don't care what year you're listening to it in

or what's the problem with those 16 people who didn't 'like' the song.

And I will surely not want to hear any of your own stuff. 

That's about it, thanks.

#5. Damien Youth – “Test Tube Jesus”

Damien Youth isn’t on any sort of radio. In fact, very few people know about his existence. But for all the great songs he has written, I believe it should stay that way. Obscurity suits him.

#4. The Vaselines – “Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam”

No, apparently he doesn’t. Christian children’s hymn… slightly altered.

#3. Judee Sill – “Jesus Was A Cross Maker”

Judee was of course a legendary figure (well worth discovering), and this is heavenly stuff. The definitive version, others don’t even count.

#2. Robyn Hitchcock – “Ye Sleeping Knights Of Jesus”

Well, if this is country – and it is – this is the best country you could ever hope to hear. In terms of songwriting, very few can touch this guy. From the classic that is I Often Dream Of Trains.

#1. The Velvet Underground – “Jesus”

Only Lou Reed could write a proper melody to a song with that kind of title.

LIST #7. Misogyny.

Considering what it has all come to, I should probably preface this by saying that women are great and women are brilliant and where would we all be without women. And now that we’ve done the gentlemanly thing, here’s a list of five greatest misogynistic songs of all time. I wouldn’t advise to play these to a girl.

…At least I was decent enough not to include Frank Zappa. That took guts.

#5. The Decemberists – “We Both Go Down Together”

If you don’t pay attention, you might think this is a lovely dramatic tale about two lovers committing suicide. Oh no. Cruel Victorian rape.

#4. Ween – “Baby Bitch”

You’re beautiful, I guess.

Is there anything more cruel you could say to a girl?..

   

#3. Bauhaus – “Crowds”

What a song. The only reason this is not #1 is because it might really be about crowds and fans and that sort of thing. However, if this is indeed about a girl… Christ.

#2. The Rolling Stones – “Under My Thumb”

They had loads of those, of course, but nothing can beat this Aftermath classic. The lyrics are typical Jagger fare.              

                                                                                

#1. The Soft Boys – “Empty Girl”

You look divine, but honey please don’t speak.

Sickeningly delicious from Hitchcock. 

LIST #6. Radiohead.

I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself, but…

Having once spent several years of my life saying Radiohead were a bunch of overhyped bores with fake suicidal tendencies, I then had to admit they were not entirely without talent. In fact, even the patchy Pablo Honey is not without its certain awkward charm.

Overall: mopey but adventurous. These are five of their best songs.

#5. “You Never Wash Up After Yourself”

Shows that Radiohead have a sense of humour. From My Iron Lung EP. That chord progression never fails.

#4. “Electioneering”

“Paranoid Android”? “Karma Police?” “Airbag”? No. This is the best song from OK Computer.

#3. “Everything In Its Right Place”

Pure aural bliss. However, if you want to laugh, here’s the most embarrassing review in the history of the universe. Those silly twats.

#2. “Street Spirit (Fade Out)”

I never much cared for The Bends (having heard it after the age of 18), but nobody can deny the sheer hypnotism of its last track.

#1. “A Wolf At The Door”

Dance you fucker.